Pools

 A few months ago I helped out a neighbor on no notice by watching his 2 year old son for a few minutes while he ran a baseball glove over to the field where his 5 year old son was about to have a game. Though it has been a long time since I was the mom of young children, I remember the inconvenience of having to wrangle them into the car for a quick unexpected errand. So, without hesitation I went around the wall to the neighbor's yard and hung out for a few while the child continued to play, uninterrupted. As I waited with the child, I gazed around the yard and let my mind wander. I looked at the tiny details of sticks and and grass, imagined how the fallen pot might have gotten that way, and admired the pool. We have a pool too, but their pool was different. Ours has straight line edges, theirs is kidney shaped. Ours is a play style pool with a basketball net and volleyball setup, theirs is an elegant lounge style pool. Ours is front and center when you walk out the back door, theirs is tucked elegantly on the side of the yard creating atmosphere.  After a little while, the dad returned and I left, fantasizing about how much better my own yard and pool could be.

Six weeks later we had a graduation party for our oldest daughter. Our neighbor and her kids were outside in their backyard and we no notice invited them over to join in the fun. They came and as she and I stood there chatting for a bit, watching everyone having a blast she said, "I like how your pool is right out in the center. I kinda wish ours was like that."

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Writing Again

How do I begin. My heart is pounding, I am tense. I am optimistic. I am afraid. I am excited. I am many conflicting things all at once. I am writing here for the first time in three years. The details of those three years do not belong in a single summary entry such as this, but perhaps they will flow naturally as I begin to write again.

I feel different now than I did 3 years ago, though not in ways I enjoy. I used to be more fun, more confident. I used to be more moved. I used to be more passionate. More inspiring, more inspired. More open, more connected. The struggle is, when you presently feel as though you used to be "more" you simultaneously feel like you are currently "less." I have read enough self help, new age material to know that the way through this type of feeling is to focus on the present. Be mindful, be here now, breathe slowly and deeply, etc. Sometimes that works, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I still feel bound up. Blocked. Restricted. Defensive. I hope, by writing again, I will release and reconnect with myself. And maybe, just maybe, when I'm feeling connected to myself again I will begin to feel connected to others and the world around me as well.

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More Than a List

Each May the girls are so excited to be done with school. Free for the summer, they are liberated from homework, test scores, lines, lunch rules, dress codes, and any other institutional inconveniences you can think of. Worries about performance, gossip, bullying, fitting in, fire drills all float away like balloons on strings made of soap. They go to bed a little later each night and they wake up naturally in the morning without intention. No one is rushing around and everything is glorious. For about a week. After a week, boredom sets in. Enter summer camps. I've learned, through failure, that our girls need at least 2 weeks of having something organized to do during the summer. Even if it's just half day arts camp, it has to be something. 

Another thing I've learned, is that each summer it takes about a month for our girls to start asking when we can go shopping for school supplies. The girls love school supplies. School? Not so much. School supplies? All over it!  I'm able to stall and push them off for quite a while by saying things like, "It's still June!" or "The stores don't even have supplies out in the seasonal area yet!" My goal each year is to make it to at least mid July. Last Monday I caved and let the girls know I'd be taking them to Target on Thursday. 

On Wednesday, as I walked past the computer I saw an open word document containing Keira's school supply wish list. The list was called "Back to School: A New Beginning." Reading this made my day, for it is brilliant. She could have easily called the list "School Supplies," or "Things I Need," but instead she chose a creative, positive, invitation to a fresh school year filled with possibilities. This is open mindedness.

My smile widened as I continued to read the items on the list and I came to item 3. It said, "Pack of wooden pencils for those who "lost" them." My love of item is two fold. First, I love that Keira is kind enough and selfless enough to think of others. Not only did she make a list of what she needs, but she also used her past experience to prepare for what others will need as well. Secondly, but equally, I love that she is skeptical enough to put the word lost in quotations. Giving without being gullible. This is balance.

On the outside this list may not appear like much to others, but on the inside it is everything to me.
I cherish these moments of discovery because they are tiny validations that the kids are alright. As either a result of our efforts or in spite of them, our girls exist as cool, complicated growing humans. Thinking outside themselves, without losing themselves. Who can ask for more than that?
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Tito and the Rainbow

Boycotts are nothing new. For ages and ages, people have been using their economic and social leverage to make statements, advance policies, and perpetuate the success of companies and countries operating in line with their own values. While I appreciate the efforts of so many passionate, well informed, committed consumers out there, I can't honestly say that I consider myself to be one of them. First, I feel like the complexities of a global economy make it very difficult for any purchase to be "pure." Second, I feel like the amount of time it would take for me to research every business from which I make every purchase would be oppressive. With these two beliefs in mind, I can say that I shop at Target rather than Walmart, and the local independently owned hardware store before Home Depot and things like that. I suppose on the spectrum of informed consumers, I fall somewhere between "completely clueless" and "perfect purchaser." In other words, I try to pay attention and make "better" choices here and there, but I'm not entirely diligent every day.

As it turns out, some days diligence is not required. Some days you're reading the current issue of a magazine you subscribe to and an atrocity jumps out at you from a paragraph on the "World at a Glance" page. For me, some day is today and the atrocity is the anti-gay purge currently happening in the Russian republic of Chechnya. Apparently authorities are rounding up, torturing, and killing gay men in response to the request from a Russian LGBT group to hold pride rallies around the country. This angers me.  I immediately think of the jumbo "don't judge me, it's a waaay better deal" sized bottle of Russian Standard vodka I purchased on my most recent trip to Total Wine. I know instantly, without a doubt, that it will be the last bottle of Russian vodka I ever purchase. Inspired by this recent article, I intend to use my buying/boycott power to make the switch to Tito's vodka. Frankly, one reason I've been resisting buying it is the trendy mainstream hipster perception I've attached to it. Everything is relative of course, and my recent awareness of what is happening in Chechnya puts things into perspective pretty quickly. Hate crimes are far more evil than hipsters, so it's, "Proshchay Russian Standard," and "Hello Tito!"

Now that my future vodka purchases have been swiftly ironed out, I'm still left with one (nearly full), final bottle of Russian Standard. There are many things I could do with this last bottle. I could pour it out while scoffing at the archaic ways that sadly still exist on this Earth.  I could smash it, or better yet, turn it into a Molotov cocktail. Yes! I could turn it into a Molotov cocktail and record a video of myself hurling it at large map of Russia while draped in a rainbow flag. Exciting! All joking aside, the problem is, while any of these possibilities may seem satisfying at first, they all flow from a place of anger and darkness. Truth be told, the money Russia made on my last vodka purchase has long since been spent. Disposing of the contents, no matter how dramatic the manner, is a fruitless  effort that would ultimately leave me feeling empty. At this point in my life, I'm old enough and experienced enough to know that the potential for darkness is everywhere. When we're not careful in our reactions, we can easily slip, step on, or get sucked into, its realm.  Rather than stepping into the darkness in my reaction to what's happening in Chechnya, I will lean towards the light. I will use that vodka to make tasty cocktails and I will drink them. My belly will be warm, and my spirit will be merry. I will be grateful for all that I have and all that I am and I will dance. For those who can't, I will dance. For those in darkness I will shine my light, and with Lady Gaga blasting in the background I will ride the rainbow to Tito-town!
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Becoming a Person in the Past

I don't go to Goodwill very often, but when I do, I mainly check out two areas: 1. The kitchen/housewares section and 2. The book section. In the housewares, I look for neat-o baskets and trays to hold classroom work materials, and in the book section I look for, well, books. Surprising, right? Though I mostly look for books in the children's section (also for my classroom), sometimes I breeze through the "grown ups" section while I'm there as well. Rarely do I find anything I like, but as luck/fate/the universe would have it, last month I stumbled across a book that caught my eye for various reasons. First, it looked old. Second, it had an interesting graphic on the cover. Third, and mostly, I found the title intriguing. It's called "On Becoming a Person: A distinguished psychologist's guide to personal growth and creativity" by Carl R. Rogers. I've been curious about psychology for a fair amount of my life, though I never studied it formally beyond the "C" I earned in Psych 101 in college. I'm sure we must have learned about this dude during that class, however Carl Rogers was not a name I was familiar with. 

Eager to learn about what it was like to become a person in the 50s, I would have surely paid the full 1961 publication cover price of $7.95 to procure this book. Thanks to a random stranger, or a surviving relative of said stranger, however, I was able to add it to my collection for the bargain price of $1.99.

The first interesting thing I read relates to Mr....no, wait...that's the PBS sneaker changing sweater wearing fella....I mean Dr. Rogers' motivation for writing the book. Among his list of reasons, Rogers said he wrote the book because he felt humanity was living in a desperate time regarding tension in human relationships. He wrote, "Man's awesome scientific advances...seem most likely to lead to the total destruction of our world unless we can make great advances in understanding and dealing with interpersonal and inter-group tensions." This fascinates me because I bet that if the same quote were written in any decade, either prior to or since the 50s, it would still ring true. Human nature seems to rely on the projected perception that we're all doomed unless we do something about it right now. Somehow, this is always the most critical time in our lives. That's a-whole-nother topic for a-whole-nother day.

I must admit I stopped reading this book because it became tedious and dry, but before I put it down indefinitely, I as able to extract these enlightening points:

1. Conflict arises through contradiction. At any given time, we have an existing sense of self. Then, we experience feelings and events that are inconsistent with the self we think we know and internal conflict arises. Tension is created as we begin to think in "How can I...when I?" statements. For example "How can I feel bitter towards my children when I am supposed to be a good mom?"

2. External elements play a major role in our perception of self. The self we have come to know thus far is a conceptual creation based on a variety of external factors including gender, birth order, upbringing, religious beliefs, geographical location, parental expectations, societal norms, education, etc. No external elements are innate.

3. Resistance equals despair. The rejection of experiences that do not fit in with our existing sense of self leads to increased conflict and negative emotion. If this emotion is not processed, we gradually move towards the darkness of despair. Alternatively, when we accept our experiences in all their variety and contradiction, we begin to create ourselves authentically in a realm beyond conceptual filters. Simply put, we begin to unmask the self we "should be" and realize the self that we are.

4. Openness to experience is the key to personal growth and creativity. This point is twofold. First, individuals must allow themselves to accept all feelings and experiences naturally, without resistance. Second, and more importantly, we must then accept the nature of our experiences honestly, being careful not to filter in things that are not a part of our actual experience. Rogers says, "When we are open to our experiences there is a greater and more immediate awareness of unsatisfying consequences and a quicker correction of choices which are in error."

5. People are innately positive. Rogers contends that when we are able to function fully and freely as humans through openness and acceptance, we ignite our true capacity for greatness. He writes, "We find we have an organism able to achieve a balanced, realistic, self enhancing, other-enhancing behavior as a resultant of all these elements of awareness." Basically speaking, people want to, and can be, better.


So as it turns out, becoming a person in the 50s is pretty much the same as becoming a person in modern times. Evolving, one experience at a time, Learning how to accept and embrace them all, making adjustments as we go. The difference is back then it was considered ground breaking to do it this way. Thanks Dr. Rogers for writing this book, thanks (possibly passed away) stranger for dumping it at Goodwill, and thank you universe for putting me on a path to discovering it at exactly the right time.

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Politics? Meh.

This election season has me pretty turned off about politics. I know I'm not the only one. The word "season" doesn't feel like the right word to use in that opening sentence. Seasons are relatively short. They change. They pass. They make way for the next beautiful phase of life. Election time, on the other hand, seems to be a perpetual, never ending side show of ugliness that begins earlier and earlier each time it comes around. Media manipulation and mudslinging, fear mongering and rhetoric, conspiracy theories and cover ups, all spun together in the big bullshit blender of "Democracy" churning out toxic societal smoothies to be sucked down by the simpletons. Am I being dramatic? Yes. Negative? Certainly. However, I didn't always feel this way. Once upon a time I was optimistic about our political process and the people running for office. I was passionate, opinionated, and inspired. I was hopeful. Now I'm mostly just "meh."

This year my "meh" has eroded my enthusiasm so much that I almost completely overlooked the fact that for the first time in the history of our country, a woman has become the presidential nominee of a major party. This is a big deal. I explained to my young daughters that once upon a time women couldn't vote even if they wanted to. A little history refresher friends, the United States was 144 years old by the time women finally had the right to vote. This means that twenty eight U.S. Presidents were elected without the single vote of a woman. Furthermore, since we began voting in 1920, we've only had a say in choosing the last 16 out of 44 total Presidents. That's only 36%, which means two thirds of the occupants of our country's highest office were men, chosen solely by men. Time will tip this statistic eventually, but for now, the nomination of a woman as a major party's candidate is a big milestone in our country's history. Regardless of how much I like or dislike the specific woman being nominated, as a woman, I am happy for the progress of our gender and our nation.

Back to my daughters...

This morning I shared with them the news of the nomination and explained how each of the major parties picks a person to run for President. "So, right now," I said, "It's pretty much going to be Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump." They immediately asked who I wanted to win and began expressing their dislike of Trump. This was amusing to me for two reasons. First, neither my husband nor I have been politically vocal this year. And second, the most vocal member of our extended family these days is a big time Trump supporter. So, what's the verdict you ask? Well...

Trump is ugly and mean and he talks like a bully

In addition, they passionately offered up a list of alternatives they would prefer over a President Trump, including, but not limited to:

A frog
OJ Simpson
Uranus (though I'm pretty sure they meant Your Anus)
A talking marble

And now, I smile big on so many levels. This list is cute and funny, sure, but beyond that I smile because my babies are growing up. They are strong willed, passionate, independent thinkers who aren't afraid to tell you their opinions. They process the information they receive from the world around them and they draw their own conclusions. And, though I may gently guide them along the way, I vow to let them find their own. They are are smart. They are strong. They are the women of our future and I, am hopeful once again.

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From the Vault: At Least I'm Talking into the Microphone

Catching up with a cousin this past weekend and reminiscing about good times and laughing a lot inspired me to post this. It's the transcript of the speech I gave at my brother's wedding three years ago. I remember being nervous but excited to give this speech, and a beer or two definitely helped me take the edge off. I suppose I could have put the beer down before giving the speech, but at least I wasn't talking into it. Also, as a side note/update, I'm very close to becoming an aunt, as my sister in law is about to give birth any day now. Three years wasn't too long to wait to be an aunt. 

Good Evening Everyone. My name is Lynn and I have been Brian’s big sister for 32 years.  Let me tell you, it has been exhausting! Our parents always said that if Brian came first he would have been an only child and I gotta say, I really really believe them.  Speaking of my parents I’d like to just take a minute to thank them for this wonderful evening we’re all enjoying and also everything they’ve done for Brian and I throughout the years.  My parents are two of warmest, kindest, most generous people in the world and it is impossible to put into words the kind of support they’ve shown for Brian and I over the years.  The way I see it, there are two groups of people in this room right now; those whose lives have been permanently and positively impacted by mom and dad, and those who simply haven’t had the pleasure of knowing them long enough yet.

  

So as I said, I’m Brian’s older sister.  There are only 14 months between us and my parents planned it that way so we could “play together.”  How did that work out Bri? We had lots of good times, but man oh man did we fight too.  Brian would tease me and cut me down all the time and we got it to some good brawls. You see the difference between Brian and I is that I was capable of showing mercy.  I’d have him pinned on the ground, fist in the air ready to deck ‘em but I’d never be able to bring myself to do it. Where as he, on the other hand, could look me straight in the eye and punch me right in the nose.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I could throw a shoe from across a room like nobody’s business! Brian, as we stand here on your wedding day, I know I don’t have to tell you what a pain in the ass you were growing up because you already know it.  What I do want to tell you, though, is that over time I’ve come to realize that being a bastard to me was your own little messed up way of showing your affection. My biggest critic in a room full of people, but my biggest fan the moment I leave it. While mom and dad’s plan for perfect playmates didn’t work out exactly right, I can honestly say that the gift of you as sibling is the greatest gift I have ever received from them.  I admire your passion and determination and I’ve always envied your ability to dream big.  The happiness you feel today has been a long time coming and you deserve every minute of it.

For those of you who don’t know, Brian and Brittany met several years ago when Brian was 24 and Brittany was, well, jail bait. I always knew Brian would be popular in high school, I just didn’t expect him to be mid twenties when it would finally happen for him. Anyway, the circumstances surrounding the start of B & B’s relationship were kinda complicated and they spent their early days in an exciting and dramatic secret romance.  Now I know what you’re thinking: Brian and drama in the same sentence? That’s weird?!  Except, it’s not. Brian always says that he hates drama, but what he really means is he hates drama that isn’t his. In fact, he’s such a girl sometimes that I personally consider this union to be a big step forward for gay marriage.

 At any rate, after a roller coaster romance for a little while, Brian and Brittany ended up breaking up, and Brittany moved up to Utah.  A couple years after that, their paths crossed briefly again, but it wasn’t until a few years ago that they were able to finally reconnect in a deep and permanent way.  Their relationship is great reminder that so much in life is a matter of timing. For all of us, when the timing is right, good things will come.

Brittany – you look absolutely gorgeous. Let’s hear it for this beautiful bride….Seriously people, this beautiful young woman just married Waaaaz! Brittany, you are a sweat heart and we whole heartedly welcome you into this family.  Being with you has made Brian this happiest he has been is his entire life and I love you for that.  I look forward to watching you guys grow together and one day in the not too distant future becoming aunt. 

 

Brian and Brittany this is the first day of your new life together. The separate paths that lead you to this point are behind you now and the only way forward is through each other.  Your new life together will come with many ups and downs.  Enjoy the good times, but realize that the bad times are just as important, for within them is always an opportunity to grow.  Love each other with kindness, accept each other with honesty and forgive each other with grace.  May the happiness you feel today be just the tip of the iceberg.

Now if you’ll please raise your glass with me in a toast.  To Brian and Brittany, a life filled with love, and good timing.
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