Writing Again

How do I begin. My heart is pounding, I am tense. I am optimistic. I am afraid. I am excited. I am many conflicting things all at once. I am writing here for the first time in three years. The details of those three years do not belong in a single summary entry such as this, but perhaps they will flow naturally as I begin to write again.

I feel different now than I did 3 years ago, though not in ways I enjoy. I used to be more fun, more confident. I used to be more moved. I used to be more passionate. More inspiring, more inspired. More open, more connected. The struggle is, when you presently feel as though you used to be "more" you simultaneously feel like you are currently "less." I have read enough self help, new age material to know that the way through this type of feeling is to focus on the present. Be mindful, be here now, breathe slowly and deeply, etc. Sometimes that works, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I still feel bound up. Blocked. Restricted. Defensive. I hope, by writing again, I will release and reconnect with myself. And maybe, just maybe, when I'm feeling connected to myself again I will begin to feel connected to others and the world around me as well.

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